Scream Machine

Atheist

2012-01-06T17:24:00.000-08:00

I'm an Atheist, for lack of a better word. I don't like "Agnostic," because I don't think it captures the spirit of what I believe about the universe. It's like a 50/50 thing, maybe, maybe not, I don't know. What I say is, I can't know. Knowledge of a higher power is impossible without proof, and I've yet to see any. Someone having an emotional experience in a church would count that as proof for them, and I say, hey knock yourself out. Their dying child suddenly recovers and comes back to life? If the only way you can explain that is through a "god" then do what works for you. I think that it's a very, very strong human need to belong to something bigger than ourselves. I almost joined a fraternity in college because I liked the feeling of "belonging" to something. Also, the need of people to feel safe and secure in their world is also very powerful. Faith in god and belonging to a religion gives that to people. But I digress. I didn't really set out to discuss why people believe in god(s), but it is a fascinating subject..

My Atheism runs pretty deep. I can remember two or three times in my life that I really felt like I was being swept up into believing in God but it never lasted. Even as a child I looked around in church and thought man this stuff is whack. My logical brain could just never let myself get sucked into it hook, line and sinker. However, I sang in the choir, went to confirmation, attended church and Sunday school because that is what was expected of me. Never one to rock the boat was I. I had some friends, we kicked around the soccer ball of faith, God and religion, and it was fun. One friend was deeply religious, still is, has his own church. He used to talk to me about faith like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I couldn't get past the idea of this being that seemed so damn critical yet loving at the same time. College happened and these kinds of discussions kicked into overdrive.. I found more kindred spirits (hah) of varying levels of belief, pretty much the entire range from Atheist to Jewish to Hindu to Quaker. Many ideas of what their God meant to them were presented. When I would press my faith-having friends along these lines of thinking, that thing happened where they would apply their own definitions to their God so that it made sense within the constructs of their worldview. Seemed like everyone had their own answer as to why God could be so full of wrath and yet capable of being this glowing loving thing that people talk about needing to have in their lives. I could never bridge that gap. Still can't.

Now, many would assume they understood me and my Atheism before I could even finish a sentence. "Oh, you're mad at God" or "You lost your faith" or "You just haven't opened yourself up to God" or something like that. Heard them all really. As if all I had to do was sit there and concentrate hard enough, that God or Jesus or Vishnu would appear before me and answer all the questions I had saved up in my little atheist brain. (I actually tried these kinds of things as a youngin' - because due to the indoctrination programs subscribed to by my parents, for many years I really did think there was something WRONG with me, but that's a subject for another post) Where these mostly well-meaning friends got it all wrong was that they couldn't let go of the idea that God was not a factor in my life, even if it was a non-factor. They could not contemplate or explain my atheism without some kind of reference back to a higher power. The central difficulty is this: They are so invested in the concept of being right about their god and religion, that they can't even let themselves move to a head space that does not include a higher power whatsoever. I've been in their heads, grew up there, know all the lyrics and even the chords. But unless they've honestly had a moment in their lives that was god-free, they really can't understand where I'm coming from. My life, my world, is a clean, blank slate devoid of god. I feel I was born this way (don't even..). I view the universe as being empty and clear of gods and other higher powers, because I've yet to encounter a good reason to believe these things exist. It's never about "proving their isn't a god" and it never will be. If you've read this far you know what a ridiculous request that is. Hey buddy, prove my invisible 9 foot rabbit isn't standing right next to me. You get the drift. I never said there WAS a god. You brought "God" to the table, you prove it. As far as I'm concerned it's an EMPTY FREAKING TABLE. But they'll never see the table as empty. They'll always see me and other Atheists as trying to knock God off the table. It's just not like that, at least with me.

Now, one pretty important detail, and I don't know what kind of Atheist this makes me, but I will say that I'm open to the idea of higher powers. Great. If some "being" is in control, kicked all this off, an Extra-Terrestrial Scarface who "put this thing together," lit the fuse of the big bang, or is shaking the giant cosmic snow-globe, then by all means, I would love to gain knowledge of said creature. But as with UFO's, the Yeti, Gremlins, Eskimos and other subjects I used to spend my time reading about in the library, they will remain in the realm of fantasy until that "proof" that I spoke of up at the top of this screed presents itself. I can't rule out the existence of a higher power, I just can't at this point, live my life as if there is one.

(nothing against Eskimos, couldn't resist a Homer-ism)

Compulsive Overeater

2010-02-12T08:43:00.001-08:00

I am a compulsive overeater. Of that there is little doubt in my mind. I have eaten as much if not more food in my life "emotionally" has I have eaten food to satisfy my bodily needs. The first serving is almost always "enough" - the 2nd and 3rd, that's my compulsive side coming out.. the side that just doesn't know when I'm full until I'm stuffed. I chain-eat, shoveling in the next bite before I've finished chewing the current bite. I think about one food on my plate before I even have it on my fork. I was worse when I was single, as I seldom actually USED plates. The container would do fine. Besides, I wasn't much for "balanced" meals anyway.. Having kids does make you much more conscious of the foods we prepare, but it doesn't stop those late night emotional-eating binges after the kids are in bed.. Here's my the sad tale of my eating life laid out on the table..

-- Developed an early taste for sugar and an early affinity for eating to excess. Lots of pot lucks, lots of unsupervised eating, lots of carbs and comfort food. Do I blame my parents? I have, but I need to let that go. I've had many years since then to clean up my eating and I haven't. Even though I may have thought those patterns were cemented in my brain, I now know that they're just ideas, and that I can let them go if I wish.

-- When I go out to a restaurant or pick up lunch, my first thought is getting as MUCH food as possible for the money I'm spending. Even though afterwards I'll be telling myself, damn, I didn't need that much, I don't remember. My inner hunger, both real and imagined, always beats down the voice of experience. I get a foot-long sub instead of a half. I get a big plate of pasta instead of a soup and sandwich. And I always eat it all like I'm in some kind of contest. Yes, the gulping down of food is like a high. It satisfies that same exact part of my brain that was also tickled by the gin and tonic, the cigarette, the bowl..

-- In the past my diets (Fit for Life, Atkins, South Beach, Weight Watchers..) were about FOOD. What you can eat, what you can't. How much, when, in what combinations. I start out thinking finally, THIS IS THE ONE. I lose weight, but I give in after a time, tired of the daily battle and the pounds pile back on. What will work? I'm tired of it being about food. If it could be about the "not-food" part, fix ME first, then I can look past the snack machine and only eat when I'm really hungry and not make every meal or snack a personal party or fix like having that smoke or pounding drinks after work on a Friday.

-- Food isn't like other drugs, in that you HAVE to have it to survive. That makes it more tricky than other vices. Imagine an alcoholic being told, OK, you can have 3 drinks a day, and THAT'S IT. No, it can't be about the booze for them, it has to be about living without it. How do you apply that to food. Do you HYPER-FOCUS on it? Imagine an alcoholic going through life, having to have a bud lite for breakfast, one glass of white wine for lunch and maybe a jack and diet-coke for dinner. There aren't many choices, and you can't have more than that. I doubt many would last a day, as ONE drink can send them over the edge. And with cigarettes, it's much the same. I quit several years ago, but I used to sneak them on occasion. Getting back off, even after a few packs is a tough effort. I haven't had a single smoke in about 2 years now, and it's MUCH easier that way. Yet, we can't quit food all together. How do you get over this? I have to "dump" whatever it is in me that feels the need to stuff my face instead of slowly enojoying only the amount of food my body actually needs to live. It's not about "oh, I really really like Boston Cream donuts or Big Macs.." it's not because they never make me feel better afterwards.. No, it's about how fucked up I am as a person and it's about the parts of me I'm trying to soothe by eating to excess. Take those parts away and my need to overeat should go away too.

The only plan or program I've encountered so far that isn't about food but about fixing me is 12-step. (I can't afford the therapy anymore thanks to my insurance RAISING the copays thank you very much insurance a-holes). The hangup. It's spiritual. The solution, you can define what it means to you. Still. there's got to be some connection or link to something outside of you, bigger than you, on which to lay these personal issues with food, It's how 12 step works. All it asks is that you be "willing to believe" - something I've not had much success at since a very young age sitting in church going "HUH?? You've GOT to be kidding me.."

Maybe someday soon I'll be reviewing the last meeting I attended, but for now I'm still outside the door. I've never saw myself as being the 12-step kind, but when I step back and really take a look at my relationship with food, I'm totally there, totally on equal footing with the drunk or the stoner or the doper. The evidence? 5'6" and 255 pounds.

OE ???

2010-02-11T08:21:00.000-08:00

I've read a really good book recently.. called GET UP, A 12-STEP GUIDE TO RECOVERY FOR MISFITS, FREAKS & WEIRDOS by Bucky Sinister. It's about his journey from being an alcoholic punk/street-poet/barfly through the AA 12-step program and finding himself and actually becoming a successful writer and poet and human being. Very inspiring, but I like it because it talks to parts of me that still linger within me.. The guy trying to fit in by drinking and smoking, the guy going into debt to look the part, to actually appear like someone who has a college degree, but also a guy who eats why too much and has been overweight since childhood, basically because I've never developed a healthy self-image. I knew the drunk punks and burn-outs, the stoners and party people, and was among them for several years of my life. I was able to pull myself out of the "substance abuse" world before it got the best of me (though, I will say that I was seriously derailed by them), but the main thing now is that I still have an addictive behavior and my drug of choice, the #1 drug of choice is food. Overeaters Anonymous applies the same 12-steps that AA uses for Alcoholism, to eating. The idea is not to diet, or count calories, or really even talk about food that much. The idea is to spiritually awaken yourself though the help of the meetings and "working" the 12 steps, so the need to self-medicate with food simply goes away (you have it over to "God" or your "Higher Power" however you define it.. which you are totally free to do - Bucky, a self-professed Atheist, defined his HP as "My Ideal Self" - which makes a whole lot of sense to me. I'm on the fence about actually finding a meeting. Bucky says that it's harder for some to walk into a meeting than it was for, example, some to go into the worst neighborhood in town to score some crack.

The thing with food is, you have to eat SOME food, but the way food addicts eat is "insane" - meaning, thin people have a completely different relationship with food. I've been on several diets over the past 30 years, have lost and gained, lost and gained. The 12-step idea is that you don't simply become a new happy person once you remove the offending addiction. You need to fix the root first. I know that I have a lot of fixing.. That much I know is true. Maybe finding some others who have been through the same things I have will help. I don't know if I'm capable of a "spiritual experience" or whatever, but after nearly 38 years of being fat, what have I got to lose, other than 100 pounds...

Shift

2009-05-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

As I approach 40, things are starting to get to me more than they did 5 or 10 or 20 years ago. Even though the poetic, dark self of my college years seemed to thrive on "introspection" and inner world stuff, the jar of my late 30's is wondering what happened to the last 38 years and what kind of stamp my life is going to leave on this world. I used to think my common sense would get me through and lead me to greatness, as it had when I was a kid. Problem is, I stayed a kid. And that kid's common sense, while fine and dandy at the time is of little use as an adult.

Where to begin? Where to go? Defining goals has always been futile for me. As if the simple act of stating a goal was enough and I could throw the effort in the toilet. Not so. No one respects someone who makes empty promises, who doesn't follow through, who just doesn't engage in life the way others seem to (and make it look so easy). It's not a problem anymore of trying to figure out what is wrong. That's obvious to me anyways. Enough looking in, with help, has pretty much firmly established how I arrived at the particular location I am on the map of this existence. No secret there. Time to get over that hump, however.

A few universal truths that have become known to me, though at some level, I've always known these things. No one really respects someone who doesn't take care of themselves. Yes, maybe there are fat people that can buy friends, respect or influence. But the energy they have to output to get where they are leaves them with impossible lives or even dead.
Another truth, nothing will happen without effort. Nothing will happen. Things used to just happen for me. Then they started happening TO me. I like this quote: "don't let life happen to you, happen to life" (Wayne Dyer?). It's obvious to me that I've let life happen to me for too long. At some point in my life, I let life whack me like a Jim Thome bat whacks the ball. I never fought back, never took a stand, went with the flow, and here I am years later contemplating the 2nd half of my life. I love my family. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But there's more to life, more I could bring to their lives by bringing more to my life. I want to be a role model of what to be, not an example of what to avoid.

diet-type-thing

2007-07-20T15:21:00.000-07:00

This year I'm working on losing weight, among other things. So far this year I've lost 30 lbs. using the Weight Watchers plan, some exercize and swimming. I have a goal of 190 by January 1st, 2008. That means I have to lose 45 more pounds.

I've started to think about my eating and I've come to the conclusing that I'm a raging food addict. I've known this for years. Gee you think that all those times back in my 20's that I bought half-gallons of ice-cream and ate it right out of the container would be a clue? Or ordering pizzas for myself and finishing the whole thing in an evening? Yea, food addict.

So, what dose a food addict need to do to go into "rehab" ?

First, I need to really look at what I'm eating and why. Many, if not most, of the times I eat do not involve "hunger" - how do we define hunger? Well, that's interesting. Many of us don't really know what it's like to be hungry because we have instant access to food 24 hours a day. And those of us with food addictions certainly take advantage of those times, don't we? Well, for the past week I've been eating a hearty breakfast of oatmeal and 2 eggs. I've then not eaten anything all morning (rare for me, I'm usually snacking by 10am) and paid real attention to how I'm feeling. Am I hungry or bored? Am I using food as an excuse to "take a break" from work? Does this food give me nutrition or is it am I using it as a drug? As someone with a little bit of a past in using certain substances, you'd think I'd know a little bit more about being a food "user" - however, food is in a class all its own. You can't "give up" food now can you?

So, I've found that on my best day this week I made it just past 11am without starting to feel hungry, and even then it was just that annoying hungry, not something that was all that bad. I think as a food addict one of the things I did was worry about being hungry. Can you imagine? How freaking irrational is that. Someone who's 100 lbs overweight worrying about being hungry. If I was eating at a restaurant or picking up fast food, I'd actually worry about NOT getting enough to eat! Did I say "raging" food addict?

Anyway, I'm on the first steps of trying to kick this. In a way, it's like quitting smoking (which I did after 11 years), and in many ways it's different. As I just said, food isn't something you can just give up. But, I can give up food when I'm not hungry. That's the thing I'm working on. Hunger isn't so bad really. When I'm hungry I know exactly where my last meal has gone and I know exactly what is going in next. Kind of a nice feeling after just constantly feeding my face all day (and night, sometimes).

(note, a lot of inspiration taken from the book CONQUER YOUR FOOD ADDICTION by Caryl Ehrlich ====> http://www.conquerfood.com/ )

Second Edition

2005-05-26T09:58:00.000-07:00

Getting rid of the Albatross.. back when I read Samuel Taylor Coleridge's Rime of the Ancient Marriner in high school, I thought it was pretty tripped out. Then my favorite band Iron Maiden did a song based on it, so I thought that was pretty darn cool. Later I heard Public Image Ltd.'s song "Albatross" from their METAL BOX (or SECOND EDITION) album. It was interesting that both songs were quite long, but at the same time about as different as two songs could be. The Maiden is just about the maximum example of an epic British New Wave of Heavy Metal song. Iron Maiden had "Hallowed be thy Name" and "To Tame a Land" before it, Priest had "Victim of Changes" and "Beyond the Realms of Death," but "Rime" was the ulimate metal epic, at least in 1985. It had multiple sections, time changes, slow spot in the middle, a huge climax and even a coda-like reprise/conclusion. It was completely over-the-top as far as the literary metal epic is concerned (kind of how ..AND JUSTICE FOR ALL was a completely over the top trash album with about 5000 more notes than it needed). Not to say it wasn't good, we all loved it. PiL took a difference approach to their Rime reference in the song "Albatross" - take one deep dub bass groove and play it over and over, with jagged guitar lashes and Johnny "Rotten" Lydon's spooky voice singing "Getting rid of the albatross.. sowing seeds of discontent.." over and over for 10 minutes. Slightly morphing but staying pretty much the same. Perhaps it grew out of the jams of krautrockers Can and Faust. Along bass player Jah Wobble's healthy respect for the dub grooves of King Tubby and Lee Perry. It definately had little to do with Lydon's prior band the Sex Pistols. Quite the opposite of the complex multi-faced Iron Maiden epic. Yet both refer back to that Coleridge poem. It's just pretty wild that two things, one completely maxed out and the other minimalist to the extreme, both stem, at least in part, from something that came from almost 200 years prior.

First Draft

2005-05-26T06:44:00.000-07:00

This is a blog about music comps politiks rage love poetry pomes pottery joy love life lawn house work mind body health peace cars money thoughtforms city drink food fear running away coming back movies art philosphie psychologie minimalism maximalism ismskisms ladders stairs and being lost in the deep end.